Estelle
by Secrets-and-Smiles
Summary: Spoilers for Small Worlds, Series One. This is the episode from Jack's point of view.


**Author Notes: Torchwood is owned by the BBC. **

Estelle

I sat there trying to listen to Estelle, God she's still beautiful. Gwen started muttering so I shifted in my seat listening harder. Gwen rolled her eyes and started to smile at Estelle's speech. It annoyed me, she's seen aliens after orgasmic energy, ghosts, Weevils…but she can't believe in fairies? She mutters again and I shush her, Estelle deserves respect, even though yet again she's got it wrong. I start to wish that I had brought somebody else with me Gwen was just being rude, not even considering Estelle's photos. Then again, Owen would have just taken the piss, Tosh is always happier around technology and Ianto…well things were still strained with Ianto since his suspension.

We wait until the few other people that attended leave and I finally get that hug of Estelle that I crave. When I look at her I can't help but see the beautiful young girl that I fell in love with during the war. She's old and grey now, but still so beautiful inside and out. I can see Gwen still being dismissive out of the corner of my eye and I ignore her, loving Estelle's laughter and happiness when talking about her beloved fairies. I have to smile when she talks about our age long argument about fairies; she is so carefree and happy.

I freeze for a second as Estelle mentions my father, I see Gwen's eyes flicker, I can see the cog wheels turning in her brain. Later at Estelle's house she asks about the photo, I look and smile sadly, Estelle never moved on, I tried to give her a better life, a normal life but she never took it. Gwen thinks that I'm daft but I can hear her questioning Estelle about my dad, why bring up an old lady's pain? I can't help but be concerned about Estelle, after all this time I still love her. I indulge myself in one hug, its bittersweet because I am imagining what it would have been like with a normal life, Estelle is imagining her Jack. If only I could have been both, had that normal life 'cause god she is special, I would have given it all up for her.

Later we are walking in the woods and Gwen reveals that she had asked Estelle about my dad, we both know that she knows but I won't give her the satisfaction. Estelle is my secret, my past and I am allowed a little privacy. She starts to go about police work and science, I snap at her she's getting too close, too nosey and over the top, I wish that she would just listen to me and accept what I say for once.

I felt sick when I saw Gwen pull the petals from that paedophile's mouth, since when did she do that kind of stuff I though she used to just be a PC? I felt even sicker when Estelle called the Hub, I could sense the others' interest at why this woman had our number, but I was too worried about Estelle to care. Tosh's report about the unusual weather makes me press the accelerator harder, god no please not Estelle. I barely park, running to the back garden when she won't open the front door. I stop at the sight of her body, I can't believe it. I just stand there, I don't know what to do, Owen and Tosh tactfully leave although I barely register it. I almost stagger my way to the body, Gwen stood there watching. I gather Estelle up in my arms for the last time and silently cry. Gwen says the obvious; the Jack in the photograph was me. She won't let me grieve alone and I don't know if I should be thankful for that. I feel tears roll down my cheeks, Estelle feels so cold in my arms, her beloved fairies, she must have been so afraid. I have to hide my grief behind my Torchwood persona; we need to catch these bastards before they hurt anybody else.

I sit in my office, nursing a brandy, Gwen sits opposite me and I tell her, I tell her about Estelle, how we met in London just before Christmas. She was seventeen years old, so young and so beautiful. I wallow in my grief, we loved each other so much and because of my curse she died all alone. I couldn't give her a life of happiness; I could pop in every now and again, masquerading as my own son. It wasn't enough. I let her down. I gulp down my brandy and whether it is the grief or the booze I don't know but soon I am telling Gwen about Lahore and my team of men in 1909.

Gwen soon leaves, but I cannot grieve in peace, she soon calls, the fairies have left a warning for her. I have to bite my tongue as she shouts at me, 'What chance did Estelle have? What chance do any of us have?' How can she say that, she knows that I loved Estelle, I've only just lost her and she throws it in my face. Estelle _died_, I am _grieving_ and she's scared over a bit of upturned furniture. I get that she's scared but sometimes I wonder where that heart of hers that I hired for has gone.

This is quite possibly the worst day of my life, "what else could I do?" I say, my team won't even acknowledge me and I can't blame them. Ianto was right, I truly am a monster. We retconned Jasmine's mother in the end, she would just believe that her husband had died in a tragic accident; she would never know what happened to Jasmine. As she beat me with her fists, sinking to the ground in despair and bringing me down with her I couldn't help but cry, what had I done? I had lost the respect of my team, forsaken Jasmine and lost Estelle in one day, it hurt too much.

That night I stayed in my office, Tosh, Owen and Gwen left without saying a word to me which was expected, I barely wanted to talk to myself. I allowed myself to cry a little, drinking more brandy. I fell asleep at my desk. A couple of hours later I was shaken awake. "Ianto?"

Ianto smiled a small smile and held out a steaming mug, "I'm just about to go home sir" he said, his beautiful welsh voice betraying how tired he actually is. I sip the drink and just about manage to not spit it out in surprise, it was sweet tea not my usual industrial strength coffee. I look at Ianto as he perches himself on the edge of my desk.

"Coffee will keep you up all night" he said, I smiled a small smile, he was always thinking about others. "Sweet tea is good for shock" he continued, "and grief." I look up at Ianto wide eyed, had he worked it out too? He was holed up in the archives all day, all those files bearing my name and signature… or maybe Gwen had let something slip?

Ianto placed a hand on my shoulder, "she was very beautiful Jack" I frown, Jasmine or Estelle? Did I just think that Ianto knew? "As for Jasmine-" My question had been answered and I was more than a little shocked. "You did what you had to."

To my horror I feel tears welling up in my eyes, "I'm a monster" I whispered back. I was surprised to see Ianto flinch at words that he himself had said to me just a few weeks ago.

"No" he shook his head, "you're the leader you have to make all the hard decisions, one person over billions Jack? It's an easy decision, I should've…I should've made that decision with Lisa." He looks away, unable to look me in the eye at the mention of her name. "I honestly thought she could be cured, if not one cyberman or humanity? It was the decision you made and Jack…." he took a deep breath, "it was the right one." I stared at Ianto for a long time after that, knowing that it was the closest I was ever going to get to an apology and forgiveness. He squeezed my shoulder and walked away, "get some rest." I nodded, "you too."

The next day the team were still being awkward with me, I still hurt and grieved after Estelle, but Ianto gave me a small smile when he handed me my coffee and I realised that things were going to be okay.


End file.
